Ashleigh (ashleighc32) wrote,

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All that I am.

I'm definetly really proud of myself, by the things that I accomplished today, considering the circumstances. I know my coach is going to be mad at me, and I know he's going to run me. I know that already but atleast that will release some of that built up energy inside of me. I love being physically pushed like that.

I know Jon's still mad. I know that last night was hurtful. I know that sometimes the way my mind works confuses people. But I got so scared when Jon told me he knew why I did all those things before. I was scared knowing that he knew me so well. I just didn't know how to control my fright. I know that we'll be okay soon. I know that he'll forgive me. I know that I will have to earn his forgiveness. I just hope he knows how much he means to me.

Jon is different from any guy I've dated. I always want to cheat on the boy I'm with, for fun, for the thrill for the hell of it.. for the sake of not being bored. And yeah that sounds god awful, but every guy I've dated so far, I wasn't in love. So it wasn't like either of us was trully scarred in the end. This isn't me justifying myself hurting the boys I have hurt in the past. It just let's me know that I have risen above that immature stage in my life.

Jon is special to me, I will never cheat on him, I will be true to him, I am in love. I know that probably scares the fucking shit out of my parents, maybe some friends and maybe in Jon. But he tells me he is too. So I guess only time will tell whether our love is strong enough. I just hope we can get past these couple of bad days we've been having.

I'm sure we will.

He shared with me something last night that I didn't really think he would. I still can't beleive he told me, not that what he did scares me, but it scared him. I know he is hurt and I know he feels terrible. Sometimes I know he feels like from his past he doesn't deserve to be here anymore but he needs to see how much I love him. I need Jonathan Peebles. Call me dependent but if you felt this way, you'd be too.

There were so many things bugging me this morning that I still have a permanent headache that I acquired last night in the car. It won't go away, it's just a constant reminder to keep my mouth shut. What really bugged me, was Jon and I would have been okay last night but then things went off in my head again. Shaune started bitching at me and I couldn't take it.

He says I publicize my feelings about Julie and I, and about things I shouldn't. Too bad this journal isn't publicized. I'm not the one that has a link in my damn profile for my livejournal. I only tell my closest and dearest friends about it, which would be Av, Jon, MY SISTER, and used to be Julie. It's not my fault that Alison rummaged through Julie's friends, and then through Av's friends to find MY journal. I didn't just post it real big HERE EVERYONE READ ABOUT JULIE. It was nothing like that, I write what I feel in this and then people come across it on their own.

Not once have I even began to bash Julie to people in school. It's her that tells everyone about our fights. No one even knew we were fighting until she told them. Av knew cause.. duh she was a big part of it and she is our close friend. Jon knew because HELLO I love him to peices and he really is my best friend. Annie knew because... JULIE told her, and then asked for my side.

I have never once asked anyone to take a side in all of this. It's beginning to get so diluted and full of lies and bullshit that I don't even want to think or worry about it anymore. Julie is the one that is making Av feel terrible for not taking a side. Av sees both sides. I have no asked anyone to side with me, except for Jon but Jon hated Julie before this arguement cause he thinks she is a bad influence on me.

She was a bad influence on me. I did things I never would have done if I had never associated with her. Things that I regret and things that I wish I had never done. Things I won't ever do again.

That's all I really have to say, that was a day's worth of just thinking and thinking of what I really wanted to say.

Not everyone's home life is okay. Mine is but there's things that are absent. And things that used to bug me, especially about my step father that I let get to me so much. There are people that should be in my life, that aren't and that I'm too confused to know if I ever want in my life. Sometimes we all just need a day off, a day to be alone all day and just do things that matter.

I had a very productive day. I did a bunch of shit that I've been meaning to get done. But oh man so much thinking went on.

Some of that thinking was about Peter. I lost Peter, I know that. He is even telling lies about what I said to him about Alison. I never said those things. He thinks I don't care about him, but I'm being forced not to. I lost Peter for Julie. Peter and Alison used to hurt Julie, directly or indirectly, and I'd defend her and say things to them FOR Julie. Because I was sick of seeing her so hurt. But in the end, I was made out to be the bitch and Julie the saint, and the truth of the matter is, Peter and Alison have no idea the things that Julie used to say and feel about them both. And I think it's really sad.

But I'm mature enough to not go running to Peter or Alison and rat Julie out. She clearly needs those "friendships" or "usages" it depends on how you look at them. And I beleive that I'm stronger than that. Jon put it this way: When he was my age, [yes he's 3 years older than me] he felt the same way as I did, he thought that the friends he had then, would matter the most. But now that he's getting ready to leave for college and live on his own, he's realized they won't even matter anymore and that it's not what's important.

That's what I'm going to go on. I'm going to not let it affect me. Yeah I'm going to have fun, and I'm going to have friends but when things go to hell I'm not going to let it bring me down too. Because he's right, some people won't matter later on in life so there's no point in them hurting you now and you letting it affect you.

I love his advice. He is my best friend. I hate our fights and the times I hurt him. I don't mean to it's just the way my head goes sometimes. I don't mean to yell. I know that doesn't fix anything, I just hope he realizes it, and I hope he forgives me.

I am so in love with you..
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