They tell me that I am fine

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Won't Walk Away
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i'ma playa [ 120705]

Friends Only-barely__

:D here's a nice f-u-c-k-y-o-u [ 112805]
[ mood | calm ]

I have a new livejournal, all inspired by Jon.
Decided that because people can't mind their own business,
I'm going to have to for them.
Goodbye shitheads


Ever so sweet.. [ 112805]
[ mood | okay ]

cassor no emo: you didn't break up did you?
cassor no emo: i like the ashleigh state of mind that includes drawing jip drawings

Me too. and no.. we didn't break up.

I love him so much. I'm so glad he's okay.

[ 112805]
Watch him leave me today..

[ 112805]
Juicebox By the Strokes = best music video made.

All that I am. [ 112805]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm definetly really proud of myself, by the things that I accomplished today, considering the circumstances. I know my coach is going to be mad at me, and I know he's going to run me. I know that already but atleast that will release some of that built up energy inside of me. I love being physically pushed like that.

I know Jon's still mad. I know that last night was hurtful. I know that sometimes the way my mind works confuses people. But I got so scared when Jon told me he knew why I did all those things before. I was scared knowing that he knew me so well. I just didn't know how to control my fright. I know that we'll be okay soon. I know that he'll forgive me. I know that I will have to earn his forgiveness. I just hope he knows how much he means to me.

Jon is different from any guy I've dated. I always want to cheat on the boy I'm with, for fun, for the thrill for the hell of it.. for the sake of not being bored. And yeah that sounds god awful, but every guy I've dated so far, I wasn't in love. So it wasn't like either of us was trully scarred in the end. This isn't me justifying myself hurting the boys I have hurt in the past. It just let's me know that I have risen above that immature stage in my life.

Jon is special to me, I will never cheat on him, I will be true to him, I am in love. I know that probably scares the fucking shit out of my parents, maybe some friends and maybe in Jon. But he tells me he is too. So I guess only time will tell whether our love is strong enough. I just hope we can get past these couple of bad days we've been having.

I'm sure we will.

He shared with me something last night that I didn't really think he would. I still can't beleive he told me, not that what he did scares me, but it scared him. I know he is hurt and I know he feels terrible. Sometimes I know he feels like from his past he doesn't deserve to be here anymore but he needs to see how much I love him. I need Jonathan Peebles. Call me dependent but if you felt this way, you'd be too.

There were so many things bugging me this morning that I still have a permanent headache that I acquired last night in the car. It won't go away, it's just a constant reminder to keep my mouth shut. What really bugged me, was Jon and I would have been okay last night but then things went off in my head again. Shaune started bitching at me and I couldn't take it.

He says I publicize my feelings about Julie and I, and about things I shouldn't. Too bad this journal isn't publicized. I'm not the one that has a link in my damn profile for my livejournal. I only tell my closest and dearest friends about it, which would be Av, Jon, MY SISTER, and used to be Julie. It's not my fault that Alison rummaged through Julie's friends, and then through Av's friends to find MY journal. I didn't just post it real big HERE EVERYONE READ ABOUT JULIE. It was nothing like that, I write what I feel in this and then people come across it on their own.

Not once have I even began to bash Julie to people in school. It's her that tells everyone about our fights. No one even knew we were fighting until she told them. Av knew cause.. duh she was a big part of it and she is our close friend. Jon knew because HELLO I love him to peices and he really is my best friend. Annie knew because... JULIE told her, and then asked for my side.

I have never once asked anyone to take a side in all of this. It's beginning to get so diluted and full of lies and bullshit that I don't even want to think or worry about it anymore. Julie is the one that is making Av feel terrible for not taking a side. Av sees both sides. I have no asked anyone to side with me, except for Jon but Jon hated Julie before this arguement cause he thinks she is a bad influence on me.

She was a bad influence on me. I did things I never would have done if I had never associated with her. Things that I regret and things that I wish I had never done. Things I won't ever do again.

That's all I really have to say, that was a day's worth of just thinking and thinking of what I really wanted to say.

Not everyone's home life is okay. Mine is but there's things that are absent. And things that used to bug me, especially about my step father that I let get to me so much. There are people that should be in my life, that aren't and that I'm too confused to know if I ever want in my life. Sometimes we all just need a day off, a day to be alone all day and just do things that matter.

I had a very productive day. I did a bunch of shit that I've been meaning to get done. But oh man so much thinking went on.

Some of that thinking was about Peter. I lost Peter, I know that. He is even telling lies about what I said to him about Alison. I never said those things. He thinks I don't care about him, but I'm being forced not to. I lost Peter for Julie. Peter and Alison used to hurt Julie, directly or indirectly, and I'd defend her and say things to them FOR Julie. Because I was sick of seeing her so hurt. But in the end, I was made out to be the bitch and Julie the saint, and the truth of the matter is, Peter and Alison have no idea the things that Julie used to say and feel about them both. And I think it's really sad.

But I'm mature enough to not go running to Peter or Alison and rat Julie out. She clearly needs those "friendships" or "usages" it depends on how you look at them. And I beleive that I'm stronger than that. Jon put it this way: When he was my age, [yes he's 3 years older than me] he felt the same way as I did, he thought that the friends he had then, would matter the most. But now that he's getting ready to leave for college and live on his own, he's realized they won't even matter anymore and that it's not what's important.

That's what I'm going to go on. I'm going to not let it affect me. Yeah I'm going to have fun, and I'm going to have friends but when things go to hell I'm not going to let it bring me down too. Because he's right, some people won't matter later on in life so there's no point in them hurting you now and you letting it affect you.

I love his advice. He is my best friend. I hate our fights and the times I hurt him. I don't mean to it's just the way my head goes sometimes. I don't mean to yell. I know that doesn't fix anything, I just hope he realizes it, and I hope he forgives me.

I am so in love with you..
2 // comment

I just don't know anymore. [ 112805]
[ mood | crappy ]

I don't know if no talking with friends on the internet includes Livejournal but I hope not, because it's not like I'm talking to anyone, just myself and this journal. Surprisingly it helps a lot. But I'm not allowed to talk to anyone online until 3 because my mom is upset that I'm not at school. I woke up today, and I was going to go to school but then I just broke down because Jon and I are fighting and a lot of bullcrap with a bunch of other people. I told my mom I wasn't emotionally okay for school, I didn't want to just break down crying all day... so I asked to stay home. She was mad, I could tell but I think she understood because she said I could stay home. I went back to bed and woke up only to random text messages from Jon. It's 10 and I'm finally out of bed.

I want to be productive since I'm not going to school.
Things I need to do before 9 o clock tonight:
All Laundry and Dirty Clothes
Write NHS Essay
Clean Bed Sheets and Blankets
Clean room entirely

Get gym uniform ready for tomorrow
Read 4 chapters in Lord of the Flies
Do Beast Journal for LOTF
Study for Ionic Formula Quiz by making Flashcards
Do 5.4 Questions in Chemistry Book

Find out Algebra2 Homework from Emily
Get bookbag ready for school
Email Coach about missing practice today
Email Ms. Butler about homework

I wanna hold you. [ 112705]
[ mood | lonely ]

Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
And I know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone
So I wanted to say this
Cuz I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been

Sometimes emotions get the best of us. My emotions have gotten the best of me tonight. I wish things weren't real. And I wish there was no real way life is supposed to be. I wish that I could be perfect and make everyone proud. I wish I had all the things I deserve. I wish I could be amazing. I wish I could do something... that mattered

I'll hide you in my walls. [ 112705]

Whether she appreciates it or not, I do. I appreciate the fact that you have been mature enough not to fully take sides and to show me both sides of this arguement. The struggle you have been through and the ways you have overcome it, cause total adoration towards you. I'm very proud of the path you're choosing for yourself, even though it may be hurting you right now. But I'm glad that path consists of no more drugs and bad decisions. You are amazingly smart. That's why I'm encouraging you right now to never smoke, drink or do any kind of drug ever again. Do you know how amazingly beautiful you are? These are just some things I have to say to you right now because you're not being appreciated. Yeah, you may have given my point of view, but I know you have not chosen a side, and I respect that.

Thank you so much for our talks, thank you for letting me open up to you, and not leaving me when I couldn't talk about things. I appreciate you as a friend for understanding me, and this all may just come as a surprise. But me opening up comes with time and trust. And I trust you Avrielle, I trust you now. Thank you for waiting, thank you for understanding and sorry just in this moment in time I finally realized how much trust I have for you.

Thank you so much, thank you for not taking sides and thank you for the advice, I'd try to make things right but she has too many demands on me to be the way you were. I can't be you, although I could try, but I don't think it's me that needs to change out of her and I. We all will mature later than others.

And one day, Julie, you will appreciate the things you have.

your "friends" will like you more than they used to. [ 112705]
[ mood | betterrrrrrr ]

Okay this day I can tell already, is going to be amazingggg
I GET TO SEE JON!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

first off, we havent talked since wednesday so we needed to catch up
I woke up and my away message said:
BILLAyBONG11: ps i miss you

then we got to talking about the break
and how each of ours was okay but not.
then we just talked about stuff that was bugging us
naturally the julie thing came up
and he got mad when i told him about alison
and when he heard about shaune involved

past 83rd street: no i can't put that in my profile because i don't need you in trouble with anyone
BILLAyBONG11: i dont fucking care
BILLAyBONG11: she dosnt even talk to me
BILLAyBONG11: unless SHAUNE is around
past 83rd street: yeah but you're shaunes friend and shaune is julies friend.
BILLAyBONG11: shaune like hates julie
BILLAyBONG11: but who dosnt...?

so he cheered up that aspect of my worrying.

:D hehe

[ 112705]
[ mood | blah ]

I'm finding new bruises everyday...


[ 112605]
why do you read my livejournal anyways..

the better note. [ 112605]
[ mood | better. ]

Image hosted by
Thanksgiving with the Clokey's/Rogers'/Walker'sCollapse )
2 // comment

First. then Second [ 112605]
[ mood | weird ]

This entry is going to be negative
because I want it to be apart from the positive
because my day, personally, was amazing
until I had to think of 3 people that I hate.

You know what Julie, I hope you know some things.
I hope you realize, like I explained to Av,
that the reason I lost Peter,
was because I constantly said shit about Alison
Because she used to hurt you
and I would be the one to help you.
I lost my friendship with Peter
for you.
And to your surprise...
I was 10 million times closer to him
then you EVER will be.

Granted, Peter and I had some problems
But for the most part, we were okay.
But any time I said anything about Alison
It was for you
And don't you DARE doubt that for a second
Cause I have witnesses
To those nights on your bed
Where all 3 of us would laugh
about how ugly you thought she was
about how stupid/arrogant and retarded she was.

Don't pretend those days never existed
Cause guess what Julie, I may have been a bad person
But so were you
You are just as much to blame
But you got what you wanted
And I don't really care.
Oh and now you have Shaune hating me too.

I hope you're soooooo proud of yourself.
Seems like you're the true bitch.

Oh and then.. a song on the radio coming home..
Why does it make me think of him?
Jon saw it on the movie and said "he smiled..."
Yeah.. he did smile.
That's nice and all
But why isn't he here with me now?
If he was so happy...

=l things you have never been through, things you can't imagine, things i hid from you, so you wouldn't be exposed to some of the hurt i have. julie, sometimes i hid things from you so you wouldnt pity me, so you wouldnt care so much, because i KNEW one day you'd walk away. i hope alison treats you well. you were friends with me to replace av and now youre friends with alison to replace me. i'm not the only one who thinks this way. i don't care if you think i'm a bitch, i really really don't care. but if you think about it, all youre honestly accusing me of, is being afraid to open up to you. i'm sorry julie, not all of us want that kind of attention.

Just thought I'd restate this. [ 112605]
[ mood | cranky ]

I was reading old entries of when Julie and I were still friends. I remember I would try to pour my heart to her but it never really worked, I always wanted to, but she was so damn demanding. She always fucking expected me to tell her everything when I was really trying to. She pushed me so much, eventually right over the edge. I hope to never see her face again. Because it hurts to know she used to promise me, we wouldn't be like other people. Whatever

Early October Entry That I Wrote:
"AND WEREN'T YOU THE ONE TELLING ME YOU'D NEVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN? for being a whore, a slut, a liar, a fake? It's not like those things have changed it's just you've realized there's no escaping it.

Stop being so FUCKING paranoid. I DO NOT USE YOU. I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU, YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING COOL WHEN YOU JUST STOP WORRYING SO FUCKING MUCH. If I used you, I would never talk to you in school, or out of school, only when I came over or needed something. AND I DONT FUCKING DO THAT. I ACTUALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU. I'm sick of you trying to back out of shit because you think that my ideas will get you in trouble, I WOULD NEVER WANT HARM TO COME YOUR WAY. Why don't you understand that?

You're one of the coolest people I've ever met but you're overly paranoid and you are so stuck on the things you've lost. If I was always stuck on the things I never had or the things I lost, I'd probably KILL MYSELF. But I'm a better person than that, and I hope you are too. Because yes, you've lost some things in your life, but you're going to have to get over it, because missing something doesn't bring it back

Please.. just understand that I care so much about you but I have a hard time telling you that or saying it to you because I don't show emotion to anyone except Jon, because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."

Too bad you never listened to a damn fucking word I ever told you. Too bad you told me you cared so fucking much but never enough to just realize how hard it was for me. Sometimes I look back and still don't beleive what I saw in you. Cause right now, all I see is over dramatic, attention seeking, self centered NEEDY person. I tried so FUCKING hard.

9 // comment

[ 112605]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I'm starting to have dreams that bother me.
Dreams where I can't differentiate something real happening
and something that's just in the dream.

This all makes me question if things ever happen
Sometimes this happens and then I really don't know if it happens
A lot of the time it's insignifigant things
So I don't see why it bothers me.
But it does a lot.

Anyways I woke up at 6am to go to work.
Worked, came home, rested then left again
Went to practice and that was really boring.

Now I need to try to do all Chem homework/studying
and then start reading Lord of the Flies
2 // comment

I just hope I don't talk about him too much [ 112505]
[ mood | full ]

I randomly woke up at 6:30 in the morning today
That really bothers me because uh.. hello it's a holiday?
But that's alright, I went downstairs and watched tv
On commercials I would read AP... or atleast try to.

Then my mom woke up and I decided I didnt want to be downstairs
I don't know why, I was just really cranky.
So I went upstairs and just read AP forever.
Then Jon called at like 7:30 cause he was shopping at 4AM
[Black Friday]

So we decided we'd hang out all day until my game.
So he got to my house around 9 AM
We went out, ate and hung around.
I love him so much and he was happy today.
Kept tickling me, embarassing me AS ALWAYS.
But I love him to peices.

Then we came back to my house for a while.
We just bummed around in my room and then TRIED to watch tv
But no, Jon is 5 and kept annoying me while I was trying to watch
But I secrelty love when he's immature.
We watched part of the Last Sammurai
Then my dad came in the room and made asian noises.

So Jon had to go home and I got ready
I went to the school, it was so damn cold in there
We all warmed up and scrimmage Woodson.
Last year we lost by about 40 motherfucking points.
This year, we were down 5 players and one was our point.
I didn't start but as soon as he put me in I stayed in
For about 5 quarters.
[We played 6 quarters, 8 minutes each]
They weren't keeping a record of fouls
So I used it to my advantage because the team was manly.
They were all a foot taller than us and it bothered me
So I posted up and just hurt them
In a real game, I would have fouled out 2 times.
I had over 10 fouls atleast.

Then I came home, ate dinner with the family.
My Mom invited Jon over for Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow
At my grandparents house.
I can't tell if he wants to come or not..
It's okay if he doesn't, I just hope he tells me

I have to get up at 6:30 to go to work tomorrow.
Then I have practice straight from work.
And then hopefully I can get some homework and studying in.
Then I'll go to my Grammas and hopefully Jon will come.
If not I'll spend Sunday with him.

I love him :D

PS My butt has been smacked so far 4 times this season
The record goes as follows:
Krebs = 3 times
Christine = 1 time

.. Why do they have to lesbian me in a game??
PS I miss Av's rebounds :[

Oh yeah and we only lost by about 15 to Woodson today.
1 // comment

uhhhh [ 112505]
[ mood | cranky ]

"you're the domain of your own faults and it's your problem if they fuck it up for you"

Okay, Thanks.
I just wanted to know if I could see Jon.
Thank God I can.

<3 him.

dear jonathan peebles. i am thankful for you [ 112405]
[ mood | okay ]

I don't know. We sure have been fighting a lot.
But then I heard the sound that I love the most
Over the phone while we were playing backgammon on msn
And he was watching his favorite movie.
He laughed.
I smiled.
And I wished he had been here so I could see him.
I'd do anything to just hear him laugh again
But I'm not one to force it on him.
He'll do it when he's ready to be happy
I hope he's lifting up again.
I loved the way his face looked those days I was with him
And all he did was smile and laugh and hold my hand
I wish he was here right now
I wish we had never faught.
Sometimes I will I could just take back everything
Because honestly I'm willing to sacrifice and compromise
So long as we never fight again.
I'm so deeply in this for him

But I'm telling you... it was his laugh that saved me today
I just wish I could have seen his smile.

Mae has Cured MeCollapse )

[ 112405]
Can't you see the wall you built for me?

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